


It's Not So Much You As It Is Everything

by SoleilVioleta



Series: In Which The World Needs Continual Saving [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Possible Sads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 13:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoleilVioleta/pseuds/SoleilVioleta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam thinks he may have to talk to Dean about Cas soon, but his thoughts drift over to his past loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not So Much You As It Is Everything

Your name is Sam Winchester and your brother is an idiot.  
Well, that’s not exactly right. He’s a brilliant hunter and a fantastic mechanic and he was great at school when he applied himself. He’s got a weirdly spot on emotional intelligence as well, except it doesn’t apply to himself.  
You haven’t ever seen Dean with a man but you have seen him look some of them over and you remember Johnny Riker coming over a lot one time when you’d settled down for a few weeks.  
But you have seen Dean in love.  
There was Jo and there was Annie.  
But this isn’t like that.  
You’ve seen Dean in LOVE love.  
There was Cassie, and there was Lisa.  
Now there’s Cas.  
But Dean’s head is so far up his ass about it you’re pretty sure he’ll never see daylight again. This doesn’t bother you because you figure he should deal with his problems and feelings as he sees fit.  
Except that now he’s making stupid decisions because he’s mad at Cas.  
Accepting angelic grace out of spite after what seemed to have been a lover’s spat?  
You think maybe it’s going too far.  
But at the end of the day you always seem to have more pressing matters at hand.  
What to do for the next case.  
What to do for dinner.  
And at some point you have to start worrying about yourself.  
You’ve been in love too and it still hurts. There’s no hope for you and the ones you’ve been in love with.  
Amelia will have moved on by now. You spent time growing with her and healing with her while Dean was in Purgatory.  
You mended your wounds and you’d needed it. But you had to move on. You didn’t have a choice.  
You have the kind of wound that won’t heal, something Amelia couldn’t soothe. The kind self inflicted from doing the right thing over and over. It wasn’t easy to leave her, but it would have been wrong to stay and so you dug your nails deeper into that gaping hole, rubbed salt all along it, and you didn’t bandage it because you figured you didn’t deserve to even try.  
You hope she’s moved on.  
It’s important to you to know that whatever hurt she incurred from your relationship can be cured. She’ll survive and she’ll get better and she’ll be okay. It’s just a break up.  
Jess was not so lucky.  
You sit in the parking lot of the convenience store, hand limp on the steering wheel of the impala and you remember.  
The way she laughed, the way her smile lit her face. How she would tease you when you were egotistical, take care of you when you were sick. She was beautiful internally and externally was just a plus.  
You go for months without thinking of Jess.  
But every once in a while a memory of her flitters across your mind and you catch it. You grab it and you pull it down until it’s all around you and you remember as hard as you can as happily as you can and you don’t let it go until you can’t take it anymore.  
You figure you owe her that much.  
It occurs to you, as you consider the price of one water to the other, that you’re never going to find love again.  
Your life isn’t about you anymore.  
It’s about Dean and Angels and Hunting.  
But then again, you don’t think your life has ever been about you, which is strange, because most of the events seem to pivot on your axis.  
You grab soda because Dean likes it and a six pack because you figure you need it.  
You’re Sam Winchester and you’ll be damned if you didn’t have a lot on your mind (although it’s quite possible that you’re damned anyway).  
But there are a few things that you can take solace in.  
You finally convinced Dean to let you keep your own music in the car and since he’s not with you, you play it.  
You play it soft and low so that you have to listen and so that you don’t get a headache and so that it doesn’t disturb people in the cars around you.  
You enjoy the taste of the candy bar that you splurged on and you tuck the wrapper away in your pocket, because you don’t litter when you can help it.  
You are Sam Winchester and you try as hard as you can, and that is all you can do, and it is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Gotta keep rolling along somehow.


End file.
